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Hi, I'm Finch.

A 26 year old high school dropout (slash academic failure) who makes a lot of money from the Internet.
This blog shows how I do it, and how you can too.

1
Dear Affiliate, Are You Made Out of Sheep?
2
My First Month in Bangkok and Laser Eye Surgery
3
STM London & My Plans For March

Dear Affiliate, Are You Made Out of Sheep?

Are you an expendable affiliate?

Or a great affiliate?

Only two steps separate you from the best, or the worst:

Step 1: Deliver more revenue than you take in commission.
Step 2: Generate this commission at a profit.

An affiliate offers no value if he neglects Step 1.

His business goes broke if he neglects Step 2.

Every day, hundreds of new affiliates conspire to cheat this founding principle of performance marketing.

And every day, they fail.

Like a herd of hopeless sheep.

If you want to become an indispensable affiliate, there’s one thing you need to understand.

The Value Chain

Affiliates who are capable of delivering paying customers, whilst sustaining their own margins, are a dying breed.

Seriously, newbies…

The numbers are against you.

The majority of affiliates fail to turn any profit on the leads they generate.

They lose money.

A small percentage go on to turn some profit — for themselves.

(Their paymasters are unable to translate those leads in to sales, so the affiliate is cast aside and banned from sending any more. Forever the bridesmaid.)

A tiny percentage of affiliates succeed in producing profit for both parties.

They are the affiliates who understand the Value Chain.

This post is to explain how you can become one of the lucky guys.

The Problem with Optimising For Leads

There are three main models you can use to make money.

PPL — Get paid per lead delivered.
PPS — Get paid per sale delivered.
Revshare — Get a percentage of the customer’s lifetime spend.

By far the most popular model is PPL (pay-per-lead).

Why?

It’s simple.

And easier to optimise.

Leads are faster and cheaper to attract than paying customers.

Breaking the long list of 0s from Conversions adds some signal to your data.

Unfortunately, this signal is what leads so many affiliates astray.

A lead is only ever worth $0.00 — unless it becomes a sale.

Optimising… for LOLs?

Log in to Voluum, or Thrive, or whatever tracker you use.

What do you see?

You see your total revenue generated for the day, and hopefully some profit.

If you are promoting PPL offers, this information is purely theoretical.

But that’s not how most of us treat it.

We treat conversion events as gospel.

They are not merely ‘leads’ to us.

They are hefty transactions where value was added, our methods were vindicated, and everybody got a little richer.

Except that’s rarely what happens.

And too often our leads are about as valuable as a fart in the Hadron Collider.

The truth is…

A business model focused on optimising for leads will only last as long as you can find new suckers to sell them to.

“But Finch! A birdie told me my lead quality is awesome! The advertiser wants more leads!”

Whilst this is great, uplifting news for any affiliate to hear — it shouldn’t be such a surprise.

It certainly shouldn’t be the Email of Reckoning that it is for so many.

You should know exactly how many sales you are delivering.

Because it should be the only campaign variable that makes a difference to every single decision you make.

You have to measure sales.

(I’m afraid this may appear comical advice to anybody but affiliate marketers and Silicon Valley.)

Sales has to be the primary metric that governs how you optimise your campaigns.

That banner with the insane CTR and twice as many leads as your next best creative?

It could be horse shit.

If it doesn’t lead to sales, it’s even worse.

That placement where you’re pausing after 24 hours at a -50% loss?

It could be gold.

A lead priced at $2 might actually be worth $XXX — if it produces a sale.

Most affiliates swear by their data, without asking:

HOW FUCKING USEFUL IS THE DATA?

If that data reveals thousands of conversions with a lifetime value of $0.00, and no way of tracking the sales, then you have to question what exactly you are truly ‘optimising’.

(Because it sounds like choosing whether you want to face left or right, whilst buried firmly in the recess of your own dark arsehole.)

Let me ask you:

  • Are you busy optimising your landing page for more leads — instead of better leads?
  • Are you obsessed with attracting a higher CTR to your banner — instead of more paying customers?
  • Do you cull placements because they have a higher cost-per-lead, regardless of any sales they might produce?

If you answered YES:

How will you ever know that your To Do list is actually worth doing?

Let’s go back to basics.

Step 1: Deliver more revenue than you take in commission.

You can’t measure an increase in revenue if your currency is the theoretical value of a lead.

I’m stating the obvious, but acting on this can have a profound effect on your bottom line.

If nothing else, you will escape the herd.

The irony is that Step 2 — Generate this commission at a profit — will become a lot clearer once you start measuring the correct data.

And so will the sense of control you have over your work.

RECOMMENDED THIS WEEK:

  • In case you missed it, my brand new 2015 edition of Premium Posts is available now. Need a recipe for affiliate success in 2015? You won’t find a single resource that covers as much ground as this. 375 pages of my very best tips and strategies.
  • The Premium Posts 2015 Edition is sponsored by Adsimilis. You know all about Adsims, right? They are one of the best CPA networks in the business. If you run any kind of mobile, dating or sweepstakes… then sign up an affiliate account, ca-ching.

P.S. You can read 40 pages of Premium Posts 2015 for FREE by opting in to my monthly newsletter below:

My First Month in Bangkok and Laser Eye Surgery

It’s one month since I moved to Thailand.

I haven’t posted for a while, so I thought I’d throw up a quick narcissistic update to confirm that, no, I haven’t been digested whole by a black widow ladyboy, and yes, I will be posting about affiliate marketing (the alleged theme of this blog) very soon.

In the meantime, here’s a quick rundown of what I’ve been up to since the STM London meetup.

(There’s a subtle clue in the title and header image.)

A Skirmish in London

Unfortunately, I only caught the first day of STM London.

A cracking day it was, though.

I’ve never seen so many affiliates in one building.

Don’t get me wrong. There are larger affiliate events held around the world. But you’ll find a conspicuously small percentage of actual affiliate marketers at most of them.

(And an abundance of hot air.)

One of the things I appreciate about STM gatherings is their ability to attract Internet Marketers who operate daily in the trenches. It’s a ‘clued in’ crowd; some might say cynical.

That’s good.

Anyway, the first night was a blast. It was a pleasure to meet so many new and old faces.

As for the rest of the week, that was a different kind of chaos.

While the rest of the affiliasphere was gallivanting merrily around old London town, I was playing a furious game of Sell, Chuck or Donate with my entire belongings.

It’s not easy condensing a house full of clutter in to one 20kg suitcase to be exported to your new home on the other side of the world.

It’s even more problematic with two very live dogs who are coming along for the ride.

Alas, we have made it to Bangkok, and we have spent the last month settling in to our new home.

Even the pups have adjusted to the searing heat:

Pups in pool

Before moving, people would ask me, “Why Thailand? What’s the appeal of Asia? Wait– you’re not one of ‘those’ guys, are you…?”

I would try to answer, “For the beaches! The food! The weather! The way of life!”

Well, I can’t be bothered to elaborate anymore.

My short answer? Because it’s fucking awesome out here, that’s why.

Seriously, Bangkok feels alive.

Like it’s crawling up your shorts alive.

For some guys on Soi Cowboy, it probably is.

The New Apartment

You get a lot of bang for your buck in Thailand.

I’m paying 60,000 baht (around £1275) for a 250 sqm, 3-bedroom apartment on Sukhumvit Soi 31.

It’s a great area with a ton of amazing restaurants at a stone’s throw. Plus, a pool and a gym downstairs.

Living area soi 31

apartment in Sukhumvit

viewonsoi31

Special thanks to Don at Bangkok Real Property for hooking us up with a fantastic place to live.

Our apartment is in the Japanese district.

I have a karaoke club directly across from me.

I suspect it will remain untouched.

Partly thanks to my lack of dulcet tones, and partly because I think it might also be a brothel.

You can never be sure. The Japanese are unpredictable — especially when they’re horny.

Karaoke and sushi bars aside, this is a really cool place to live.

Awesome coffee shops, amazing restaurants and 5 minutes access to Phrom Phong BTS, which is becoming one of the trendiest hubs of Bangkok, and not only because I’ve just moved in to it.

We’re also close to Craft: the second most handsomely stocked bar in Asia for ales and draft beers.

(I have no idea what the first is.)

It’s like a tiny beer festival nook in amongst the chaos of Sukhumvit.

Craft received a visit from the famous Daniel Thaiger burger van over Songkran.

Now, this burger… is kind of a big deal.

Daniel Thaiger burger

I didn’t know what the fuss was about until I ventured to an affiliate meet up organised by Nickycakes and a group of Internet Marketers in BKK.

Seriously…

I’m no food blogger, but I’ll tell you this much for free:

If the opportunity arises, grab a fucking Thaiger burger and stick it in your face.

You will not regret it.

They are sold every day at the Game Over Lounge, which is a sort of restaurant slash bar slash ultimate nerd station with pool tables, a pile of board games, giant screens of Fifa, and lots of western expats.

Very good fun.

Fixing My Eyes

It was over a particularly strong 8.7% IPA at Craft last Sunday that I decided to book an appointment for laser eye surgery.

It’s not the first time I’ve tried to have my eyes repaired by lasers.

I had a consultation back at a London clinic in 2010.

Back then, I couldn’t have the surgery because my eye pressure was too high.

Ironically, I ended up spending the money that was supposed to go towards LASIK on moving to Thailand the first time.

Anyway, why laser eye surgery?

I’m not against wearing glasses, but they have always been an inconvenience.

If you want to play any kind of sport, say snooker or golf, they are a big burden. Likewise, if you want to swim in the sea…you better pitch a flag where you left your towel.

Many people settle for contact lenses, but I have never been able to insert them properly. Mainly because I am the ultimate pansy when it comes to things touching my eye.

It’s not that it physically hurts. I just instinctively blink, or twitch, or refrain.

All of my attempts to wear contact lenses failed miserably, so last Sunday I decided to go for the jugular, get over the fear, and book in another LASIK appointment.

One week later and here I am, three days after surgery, with the crispest long distance vision I’ve ever had in my life.

It’s an amazing feeling.

I’ve had a few people ask me about the surgery itself, so here’s what happened.

LASIK in Bangkok: Consultation to Operation

My initial consultation was on Thursday at Bumrungrad Hospital.

I had my vital signs taken, plus a basic vision test and an eye pressure measurement (it was fine this time).

After meeting the doctor and discussing the risks (“In thousands of operations, we have never lost an eye” — I should fucking hope not!), it was off for more tests aimed at measuring peripheral vision, the strength of my cornea and the composition of my tears.

I then had my pupils dilated whilst the doctor disappeared for lunch.

It’s funny, but Thais don’t often differentiate between breakfast, lunch or dinner. They call all three meals ‘Eat’.

And they are pretty bloody adamant that you do not fuck with ‘Eat’.

Woe betide the poor bastard on life support as the clock strikes feeding hour.

This break gave me about 45 minutes to stumble downstairs in to Au Bon Pain for a motivational Whoopie Pie.

After one more eye examination — the most awkward of them all, where the doctor inserts a weird lid on to each eyeball — he gave me the sweet music to my ears.

“You are a good candidate for surgery.”

Followed by a strange Thai hard-sell, “You want it – yes or no?”

I was delighted just to have passed the tests, “When’s the earliest I can have it?”

“Tomorrow, 4pm.”

Well fuck a rubber duck, OK then.

I was relieved to get a slot in the next 24 hours.

It gave me no time to worry about it.

I went home with sore eyes, ate at Au Bon Pain for the third time in a day, then sloped off for my first Thai lesson.

Surgery Day

My girlfriend had work so I went in for the surgery alone, marginally bricking it.

My vital signs were taken again — blood pressure through the roof.

No surprise.

The doctor gave me one last examination then sent me outside with a cup of water and some Valium.

A gift from the Gods.

A few sips later and I was being hauled out of the building in a wheelchair and whizzed over to the 5th floor of the adjacent hospital.

This was news to me.

I thought the surgery took place in the clinic.

I wasn’t expecting to be wheeled past intensive care, asked to change in to full hospital garb (with an ill-fitting pair of pyjama bottoms that I had to hold up) and then parked in a busy ward.

The valium definitely took the edge off the experience.

I was transferred on to the trolley, and then rolled in to the operating room.

Very strange seeing the fluorescent hospital lights passing above you. Eerie, even.

I was pretty relaxed.

Relaxed, but still not happy to be there.

The nurse scrubbed my face down and applied a couple more eye drops.

The eye drops were local anaesthetics. They burned initially, but pretty quickly my eyes were numb and being drawn on.

The doctor then talked me through the procedure, which involves staring at a blinking red dot while the machine clamps around your eye, lifts a flap in the cornea and surgically corrects the retina.

You don’t feel pain, but you certainly feel the dull pressure of machinery at work.

It was uncomfortable and took a lot of fist clenching to keep my head steady and eyes from twitching. But ultimately, it was over pretty quickly.

5-10 minutes per eye, I’d guess?

When the laser went to work, I lost vision completely.

All I could see was a fuzzy haze of stars fluttering.

The doctor then cleaned up, ‘brushing’ each eye as my vision returned and the red dot reemerged — sharper, clearer.

Good signs, I thought.

As I was wheeled away from the machine, I didn’t want to open my eyes again — they were streaming and shell-shocked. But when I did, the operating theatre was in sharp focus.

The results were good, and the valium took over immediately.

I just laid there, let the nurses wheel me back, plastic cones taped over my face.

They gave me 30 minutes rest; took me to fetch my clothes.

Not easy getting dressed immediately after laser eye surgery.

Think my bare arse was parked in the sink at one point.

My girlfriend had arrived from work by this point.

I delegated all existential functions to her, kept my eyes closed and felt myself bundled in to a taxi home.

Post-Operation

A lot of people have asked about the initial 24 hours after surgery.

I was encouraged to go straight to bed when I got home (it was 8pm), and I did.

I had trouble sleeping from the mental exhaustion, and the awkward position required by plastic eye protectors taped to my face.

When I woke up, my eyes felt sticky and sore.

A bit like conjunctivitis.

Not painful, but again, I didn’t want to keep them open.

The discomfort went away within an hour or so.

I started looking around my apartment, looking outside, focusing on Terminal 21 in the distance.

And it was amazing.

Seeing clearly, for most people, is an afterthought.

Something you take for granted.

Not being able to has troubled me since I was 14 or 15, when I would struggle to follow notes on the school whiteboard.

I remember my vision declining rapidly through school, but being too self-conscious to get reading glasses. My grades would suffer. I’d dread the classes where I wasn’t sat at the front.

(Try algebra with bad eyesight.)

I would squint, and deny, and squint, and deny, and laugh about how bad my eyes were but never actually address it.

Well, it’s only April. But getting 20/20 vision for 80,000 baht (around £1700) is the soundest investment I’ll make this year.

Since the operation, my long distance vision has continued to sharpen to the point where it’s now as close to perfect as I could wish for.

The downside?

  • My near-distance vision is blurry, and will remain so while my muscles heal.
  • I have to wear sunglasses almost constantly for the next month.
  • I can’t wash my hair for 4 days (it’s a bit like Glastonbury, except I can’t get rat-arsed either).
  • I can’t use my pool for a month.
  • I have to apply eye drops, four times per day, for ten days.
  • I have to limit my time at the computer for the next two weeks.

Oh, and I have to wear these fucking things to bed for the next two weeks:

Bug eged Finch

A great look!

All in all though, zero regrets.

One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

If you’re considering LASIK, I’d say… go for it.

There are a few hairy moments along the way, but nothing too bad, and the end result is life changing.

That’s what I’ve been up to.

Loving life in Thailand so far.

I’ll be back posting affiliate marketing bollocks in May.

Rayong sunset

On beach Rayong

Beach time Rayong

RECOMMENDED THIS WEEK:

  • In case you missed it, my brand new 2015 edition of Premium Posts is available now. Need a recipe for affiliate success in 2015? You won’t find a single resource that covers as much ground as this. 375 pages of my very best tips and strategies.
  • The Premium Posts 2015 Edition is sponsored by Adsimilis. You know all about Adsims, right? They are one of the best CPA networks in the business. If you run any kind of mobile, dating or sweepstakes… then sign up an affiliate account, ca-ching.

P.S. You can read 40 pages of Premium Posts 2015 for FREE by opting in to my monthly newsletter below:

STM London & My Plans For March

In case you haven’t heard, STM Forum is holding a massive affiliate meetup in London next month.

Somebody better call 8 Northumberland Avenue ahead of time — because to the unsuspecting waiter, bar man, or miscellaneous lost Japanese tourist, it’s going to be raining vast quantities of sausage from March 9th.

That’s the opening night of a three day networking marathon that brings together some of the biggest names in our industry.

STM has slapped together a fantastic lineup of speakers, many of which you will recognise from the forum, including:

  • Lorenzo Green (Mr Green)
  • Jordan (stackman)
  • Besmir (bbrock32)
  • Caurmen
  • Dr David Savory (Zeno)
  • Josh Mayne (Maynzie)
  • CMdeal
  • Alexander Tsatkin (The Angry Russian)
  • Tim Tetra (Timtetra)
  • Benjamin Yong (Kokofai)
  • Jim Stark (Jim)
  • Charles Ngo (Dr_Ngo)
  • John Alanis (Johna5150)
  • Alex Willemsen (Scitox)
  • Lars Kroijer (Kroijer)
  • Christian Weselak (Ratalliance)
  • Robert Gryn (Zeropark)
  • Christina Szekeres (FBQueen)
  • Rohail Rizvi (Rohail)
  • Chris Hanage (Papaya Mobile sponsor speaker)
  • An Advidi sponsor speaker TBA

That is a lot of authority in the affiliate space.

Most of these speakers are closely intertwined with the daily struggles of affiliate marketers.

(Unlike some of the speaking lists you see at other conferences, where most of the ‘authorities’ wouldn’t know the language of affiliate marketers if it slapped them square in the jubblies.)

The Schedule

You can see the full schedule of events here, but I’ll summarise the best bits and some important notes:

Monday, March 9th

Monday’s shenanigans are open to everybody, both STM members and the general public. You need to register online before attending.

Registration is free.

After registering, collect your pass between 12pm-4pm on Monday from 8 Northumberland Avenue, WC2N 5BY. You’ll need it for all events.

The highlights of Monday include 3 hours of speeches from industry veterans, and an opening party hosted by AppFlood at Forge Bar near Cannon Street.

I’ll definitely be attending on Monday, so if you want to meet up for a drink (but don’t have STM membership), drop me an email or track me down at the event.

Tuesday, March 10th

Tuesday is for STM members only.

Not a member? Sign up now.

Voluum will be kicking off a networking brunch between 10am and 1pm at the Prince Albert Suite near Regent’s Park.

This sounds pretty interesting.

Attendees will be divided in to smaller groups depending on the type of traffic sources and verticals they run.

Personally, I can’t wait to see what the ‘First Free Find & Fuck’ table looks like…

In the evening, there will be more speeches at 8 Northumberland Avenue, as well as the inaugural STM Awards.

This blog has somehow wrangled a nomination in the Blog of the Year category, despite about five new posts.

There are some excellent nominees in the ‘Success Story of the Year’ category, which will go to the affiliate who has made the most emphatic progress, as seen on the STM Forum. If you need a rocket lit under your arse, I suggest you sign up and read the stories of the nominees.

They are the true stars of the STM brand.

You will find guys who have gone from zero to $XX,XXX/month in profit. And their progress can be followed, in full, on STM.

Of course, you can meet these affiliates in person.

By coming to the event.

Adsimilis will cap the Tuesday by hosting a Games Night at All Star Lanes in Bayswater.

If you are a dab hand at foosball, bowling or Xbox, you can come along and shame your fellow peers.

Wednesday, March 11th

Wednesday is also for STM members only.

The morning starts with paintball hosted by Avazu.

Just reading the description — “We have the ultimate STM twist for this paintball experience but we can’t tell you anything else” — I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds pretty bloody ominous.

  • Guns loaded with acai berries?
  • Capture the laptop (full of campaigns)?
  • Team Affiliate vs. The FTC?

The last time I indulged in paintball, I got — what’s that quaint British term? — oh yeah, absolutely fucking smashed.

I almost ended up on the motorway after attempting my best Rambo impression with less than 20/20 vision and a fundamental ignorance of the ‘Out of Bounds’ signs.

From 8pm onwards, a legion of bruised, battered and hungover affiliates will be tapping up the Core Bar on Queen Street.

Wednesday’s grand closing party is sponsored by Advidi and has an equally ominous 1990s theme.

Come on, suckers.

Who’s gonna bite the bullet and go Full Geri?

Geri 1990s

It’s your last chance to drunkenly extract campaigns network with the best in the industry.

STM is known for putting on the wildest affiliate shows in town.

If you are in London — or willing to travel — this is going to be a HUGE three days that will inspire, motivate and hopefully kickstart your campaigns to the next level.

Sign up to STM today, and register for the event!

Special kudos to the sponsors:

My Plans For March

This blog has been quiet recently. I’ve had to prioritise my business with a focus on training employees, at the expense of splurging my views to you cretins.

Life is busy.

I’m moving to Thailand with my girlfriend on March 14th.

She’s already secured a job in Thailand, and the final arrangements have been made for us to say Au Revoir to the Big Smoke.

We’re counting down the days with a combination of excitement and dread.

  • The excitement of starting a new life in Asia
  • The dread of dealing with final ‘logistics’ while the calendar closes like a spiked ceiling in the Temple of Doom.

Who am I kidding?

It’s mostly excitement.

I have a house full of belongings to shift:

Furniture, appliances, a huge pile of books… a Lazy Spa…

Is there such a thing as owning too much crap? I think so.

I was going to blow a fortune putting my stuff in storage, and shipping over my office essentials — but fuck it, why bother?

There’s a good saying: “The more stuff you own, the more your stuff owns you.”

The only thing I’m taking to Thailand is my clothes — and my dogs (back to their homeland, the expensive little arseclarts).

Everything else is getting sold, donated to charity, or trashed.

Of course, ‘dealing with everything else’, as anybody who has moved house will attest, is a great aphrodisiac… for shitting your pants.

It will be worth it in about 3 weeks!

I can’t wait to touch down in Bangkok.

RECOMMENDED THIS WEEK:

  • In case you missed it, my brand new 2015 edition of Premium Posts is available now. Need a recipe for affiliate success in 2015? You won’t find a single resource that covers as much ground as this. 375 pages of my very best tips and strategies.
  • The Premium Posts 2015 Edition is sponsored by Adsimilis. You know all about Adsims, right? They are one of the best CPA networks in the business. If you run any kind of mobile, dating or sweepstakes… then sign up an affiliate account, ca-ching.

P.S. You can read 40 pages of Premium Posts 2015 for FREE by opting in to my monthly newsletter below:

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